Never Again
by dilero
Summary: At some point you have to acknowledge what has been done and make a decision. These characters are the property of ABC Studio Productions. I own nothing.


**NEVER AGAIN**

**Chapter One**

It was the first day of September as Detective Kate Beckett entered the elevator at the 12th Precinct of the NYPD. Labor Day weekend would be only a few days away. Her stride was confident as always, but her mind was as muddled as it had been for the entire summer. Had she thought about him every minute of every day? No. Had she thought about him for most minutes of every day? Yes. Now, in this last unofficial week of summer the visions and words of the spring bombarded her senses. She had not spoken to him in almost four months, but she could resurrect that voice in an instant.

As she exited the elevator on the fourth floor, a Federal Express representative took her place in the elevator for the return trip down. Due to her usual early arrival, the bullpen was relatively quiet. Ryan and Espisito, however, were at their desks drinking their morning espresso and reading the paper.

"Good morning, guys" she greeted as she swept passed them toward her desk.

"Morning, boss" they replied in unison. They made it sound like a choral group.

"Hey, boss" Ryan called, "you have to read Dewey Henderson's column on page 6. Its about Castle. Don't get caught up with the title of the column though."

Beckett stopped abruptly at the sound of his name, and returned to accept the section of the newspaper that Ryan was extending in her direction. The title of the column read _'World Famous Mystery Writer MIA'_ . Not wanting to stand in the middle of the room to read the contents of the gossip column, she turned and moved toward her desk. If Ryan had not prefaced the somewhat misleading title, her heart may have begun to beat a little quicker.

As she came to her work area, Kate noticed that a Fed Ex package had been placed on her desk. It was addressed to _'Detective Katherine Beckett, 12__th__ Precinct NYPD, Manhattan, NY, NY.'_ She pushed the package to the side as she sat down to read the gossip column.

_**World Famous Mystery Writer MIA**_

The denizens of New York's nightlife are close to putting out an APB for famed mystery writer Richard Castle. Ever since the splashing release of _Heat Wave_ last fall, and the even splashier _Cosmopolitan_ article, Castle's presence at the trendy parties and usual watering holes has been virtually non existent. Yes, he did make brief appearances at a fundraiser or two, and there was a guest spot on late night television to announce the completion of a deal to have _Heat Wave_ adapted to the silver screen. Other than that, "What's up, Ricky?". Castle's second book in the Nikki Heat series _Naked Heat_, is scheduled to be released this fall, but there is still no definitive date being announced by his publisher Black Pawn. We contacted his editor Gina Cowell at her Manhattan office throughout the summer to try to get the scoop on her number one client. Cowell assured us that Castle was alive and well, and more information on _Naked Heat_ would be forthcoming. That sounds a little cryptic doesn't it. Oh well, maybe Black Pawn's marketing department has decided that they will create another image for which Richard Castle can be saddled with 'the reclusive wordsmith'. Stay tuned. We will keep you posted. Ciao now.

Beckett tossed the newspaper on her desk and sat back in her chair. _What the hell is this supposed to be about? _Ryan and Espi had been watching her as she was reading. When they saw that she had finished, they approached. They could see the confusion in her eyes.

"What do you make of this?" Espisito queried. "I thought that he had gone to the Hamptons to finish that book."

"I have no idea" she replied. "I suppose it is just some fluff piece some columnist put together to spike the interest of Castle's followers." Kate knew that Castle's website had not made any mention of the exact date of the book's release, or the obligatory schedule of book signing events.

Beckett was a little hesitant to broach the subject since none of them had addressed the issue all summer, but this circumstance might provide an opportunity to casually bring it up. "Have either of you talked to Castle since he left?"

They both were a little surprised that this was finally out there on the table after all of this time. Espisito proffered the response that he knew was true for the both of them, "No. We have not heard from him, and since we were unsure as to how you would feel about it, we have not tried to contact him. As far as we know, that goes for Lanie and the Captain as well."

"Boss we know that we don't know all of the circumstances involved" Ryan stated, "but Castle was as much of a partner to us as any regular member of this detective unit. Even though we have missed the interaction and his assistance around here, we have really put the restraints on one another to make sure we didn't mess anything up. If you want us to do something different, all you have to do is ask."

She knew how much these two enjoyed their work and their friendship with Castle, and that having that all come to a rather abrupt end had been hard for them. "Thanks guys, I hope that you know how much I appreciate how you both have handled everything this summer. I guess I will have to try to come up with some way to sort through things."

Ryan and Espisito walked back toward their desks, as Kate made her way to the break room. Caffeine was definitely needed. She stood in front of the espresso machine and it was like she was staring into his face. _Should I smash my fist into it, or caress it? Why did there always have to be two polar opposite reactions to Castle._ She made her favorite concoction, and returned to her desk. It was warm and sweet, but it did not taste as good as when he brought it to her.

**NEVER AGAIN**

**Chapter Two**

As she sat at her desk her eyes fell upon the Fed Ex packaged that had arrived that morning. A rather formal, or official manner of addressing the package, _Detective Katherine Beckett_. Perhaps it was a new policy and procedure manual being sent from 1 Police Plaza to all of the detective units. Pulling the strip from the packaging to reveal its contents, it was immediately apparent that it was a book. But not one that she would have thought of.

Yes indeed, Nikki is naked on the cover again. _So, Naked Heat is ready for distribution?_ There was no other information in the package to provide any insight as to what this was all about. Kate flipped through the initial pages that noted publisher, the copyright announcements and listings of Castle's previous works. She finally came to the book dedication.

_To the extraordinary KB_

_Thank you for your guidance and for allowing me to experience your dedication to your work._

_I wish for you a lifetime of safety and happiness._

Although the words may be quite generous there was a darker nature that seemed to engulf the entire offering. _Why the hell didn't he just draw a stick figure waving goodbye_. If the dedication is any reflection of the book itself, he must be going to kill off any character he ever created.

Kate tossed the book back on to her desk and reached for her espresso. Her brow was beginning to crease and a blaze was simmering in her green eyes. _So this is your 'See you in the fall'_._ You embarrass me by having me depicted naked on a book cover, and then write a dedication that could have been found at any two bit drug store._

As she stared down at the book she noticed a folded sheet of paper situated between the dedication page and the first page of chapter one. As she reached for it she could only imagine what images he was going to create now.

It was a note from Castle, written in his own hand. Just looking at the note made her marvel at the beautiful nature of his cursive writing. In better times she would have chided him about the feminine quality of his penmanship. In truth, there just seemed to be an elegance to it, like he had inherited this talent from ancestral calligraphers.

Katherine,

_(What is it with this Katherine shit?)_

I trust that you are safe, and that your summer plans have brought you happiness. This printed version of Naked Heat is the only one in existence. I had my friend at the printing company surreptitiously create this for me because it is quite possible, no quite probable, that this book will not make its way out of Black Pawn. They are none to happy about it, or me. I had already committed to you that I would offer it for you to read, so that is why I am sending it to you in this fashion. Should you either not wish to read it, or not wish to keep it please return it to me so that I can place it in the archives with my other works. At this point, I think that I can recite it verbatim, so I do not need to read a printed version of my work like I usually do.

Be well,

Richard

Kate thought that her head was going to explode. There were so many thoughts that were bouncing off one another she could not focus. What was it about today? The newspaper column, the dedication, this note, referring to her as Katherine. What summer plans? What could be so bad about this book that Black Dawn would choose not to release? Even a bad Richard Castle offering would make them millions just because of the loyalty of the fan base. If it was not one his better efforts, they would just await a bounce back the next time.

She rose from her chair and paced the back area of the squad room. She could not let people see her so confused, but she had to keep moving so she could think. _Should I go down to the gym to see if there is anybody working out that I could possibly beat up? I need to hit something._

It finally dawned on her when she realized she needed to hit something, or someone; you contacted me, so I am going to respond. Her brain was telling her that he really had not technically contacted her, but she told that passing thought to go to hell. _I am going to call and see what all of this is supposed to mean._

Kate returned to her desk and retrieved her cell phone. The fact that his cell number was still in her speed dial caused another mind battle, but she decided to rationalize that with an "I forgot". She nervously hit the button.

After three rings that voice appeared, "Hello".

"Castle"

"Detective Beckett," he replied. "It is a surprise to hear from you. Is this in response to the package that I sent to you?"

His voice seemed even deeper than normal, and she could hear the surf in the background.

"Where are you?"

"I am taking a morning stroll through the waves. Why are you having difficulty hearing me?" "I'll move up the shore line a little so there will not be so much ambient noise."

_Kate just shuddered to herself, who else would say ambient noise without a second thought._

"Is that better?", he said after a few seconds of moving away from the water.

"Yes", she responded. _Okay, let's get right down to it._ "Castle, what is all of this about?"

"What is what all about?" he replied.

She was starting to get angry again. She did not want to play games with this. "You know very well what I am talking about, this newspaper column and this book?"

"Well, Katherine...

"And what is with this Katherine stuff all of a sudden?" she said forcefully.

She could hear the resigned tone take over his speech, "How would you like me to address you?" he said. It almost seemed like whisper.

"Dammit, just call me whatever you want to, I am not going to get into it with you about some stupid verbiage."

"Well, Katherine...

_(If her service revolver would have had the range capacity, she would have shot him from her desk.)_

…...I can't help you with anything regarding a newspaper column, but I can try to answer what you might want to know about the book. However, if you read the book, it in and of itself may give you more insight than I have never been able to impart to you verbally."

"Castle, what is that supposed to mean, that I am dense, or that you are?"

The resignation in his voice just keeps getting stronger, "It would mean that it is obviously me that is unable to communicate properly." "Katherine, what is it you want me to tell you?"

"What is wrong with the book?", she asked, not wanting to deal with this idiotic communication issue.

"I guess in their opinion the first half to three quarters of the book is fine. Their exact words were 'the best ever'. After that they could not believe how such a dark nature had seemed to take over the writing, virtually obliterating the brilliance of the earlier thought processes. They thought the general public, and in particular the loyal fan base would not find it appealing. Does that help you? In all fairness, you would have to read it, if you choose, to determine whether that would be a true assessment on their part. I know the subtext of the work is true, and the depictions are accurate. All I can relate is what I experience and what I in turn have my characters experience."

"What about Henderson's gossip column on page 6 in today's newspaper."

"Katherine...

_Dammit, will you quit that._

…...I don't know how to answer that. I have no idea what was in the column."

"It said that the world renowned mystery writer has been missing in action among the New York celebrity night life for almost a year, and that they had been unable to get any definite information about the release of _Naked Heat_. It even went so far to say that they had talked to Gina in her Manhattan office throughout the summer to try to flesh out their coverage."

The silence was deafening, and though it was surely only seconds it seemed like minutes.

Castle started to offer his explanation bluntly, but decided to just softly deliver what he thought should have been obvious to her since he spent many a waking hour in her presence during that time period. "I have stayed away from a number of things that were demanded of me by Gina and in turn Black Pawn. I have tried to do things that might make a difference in how someone, I mean how others might view me _(God I hope the roar of the ocean covered that mistake)_. I was really never any good at it to begin with so absenting myself from it was not a big deal. It cost me a lot of mon... Let's just let it go with that."

"Why have you not been in contact with the boys?" she asked.

The pause was distinctly noticeable. "I did not think that it was my place to intrude on your world any longer. I miss them, and I thought that I may have at least formed a friendship with them, but I just felt it was better that I not be in the way."

"Is that why I have not heard from Alexis or Martha this summer?" She was not going to let up on him.

"Katherine...

_My God I am going to physically hurt you if..._

…...please do not think unkindly of Alexis and mother. I would never forbid them from speaking to you. To the contrary, they had for some time considered you to be family. When things were obviously taken in a different direction by you, I asked them to please allow you to have your privacy away from our family. Katherine, I don't know if it is even humanly possible, but Alexis and mother may very well love you as much as I...(disconnection)

"Castle", she said.

"**CASTLE**", she screamed.

Kate looked at her cell phone screen and her mind went totally white with anger. _We're sorry your call has been disconnected. Please recharge your batteries._

On the other end, Richard heard the disconnect sound, and sensed that he had probably said something that was better left to his own suffering. He looked at his cell phone screen and read its message, _Caller ID: KB_ _The transmission has been terminated by the caller._

He quietly pressed the OFF button on his i Phone, and tossed it into the Atlantic.

**NAKED HEAT**

**Chapter Three**

"Castle", she said.

"**CASTLE**", she screamed.

Kate looked at her cell phone screen and her mind went totally white with anger. _We're sorry your call has been disconnected. Please recharge your batteries._

_**God dammit! God dammit! **_ The roars were heard throughout squad room, followed by the sound of a something being hurled across the room crashing into the metal filing cabinets which only served to increase the decibel level of the assault. Ryan and Espisito jumped from their chairs sensing that the noise was coming from Beckett's end of the squad room. By the time that they got there she was using the full extension of her arm to clear everything from her desk.

"Boss", Espi called out.

"Detective", Ryan shouted.

"Kate", finally was screamed by both of them.

Beckett froze. It was uncertain if she was cognizant of what she had done. But there was no doubt that the fire was still burning brightly.

"Ryan, do you still have Castle's cell number programmed into your cell phone?" She was gasping now.

"Yea, do you need it?"

"Yes I need it, I wasn't taking a survey." _She made note to apologize for that at a later time._

Ryan pressed the program code and handed the cell to Kate. The number must have been on its fourth ring when the automated voice reported, _We're sorry this number is not responding at this time. Please hang up and try again._

"God dammit, I was just talking to that number, don't tell me it is not available." Kate tried three more times, but received the same response.

It seemed liked every bit of energy was taken from her body. She slowly slid down the wall and wound up sitting flat on the floor. The anger had caused her head to pound, and now the automatic physical production of tears to ease the brain of its discomfort were beginning to stream down her face.

As she sat there looking at the mess that she had caused, her eyes fell to the "one and only book" that he had sent. She hurriedly reached for it. _Please don't let it be damaged._ She inspected the glossy cover and the corners of the book binding. It seemed that everything had survived her 'fit'. She placed the book back in the Fed Ex packaging to make sure that no one would see it. _Now what?_

Ryan and Espi helped her clean up the mess that she had caused. At this point there was little that could be done for her cell phone. She thanked them for their assistance and apologized to Ryan for snapping at him earlier.

"Boss, what do you want us to do?" Espisito asked. "Did he piss you off, or make you sad again?"

Kate quickly responded, "No, no he didn't do anything. He was just in the middle of telling me something when my cell phone batteries died. It just seems like every time we try to tell one another something we get interrupted."

"So, do you want us to go get him, or something?"

After a brief sigh, she says "No, I think I am going to go to the loft and talk to Alexis and Martha. If I remember correctly, they were supposed to be back in town by yesterday."

"Guys, I also need to tell you that Castle misses the friendship that he thought he was able to develop with the two of you. He hasn't made any attempt to contact you this summer in deference to not wanting to intrude on any of 'our team'. _They both smile at this reference. Both wishing that things could go 'back to normal'._ So now I think I will go see what the other Castle family members have been dealing with."

She clutched the book to her chest. She could not dare to let it out of her sight.

)()()()(

Even after more than four months of not having been there, the drive to the loft seemed programmed. Parking the car and clutching the Fed Ex package she entered the building. It seemed like it was only yesterday that she was here. Another part of her makes it feel like a lifetime ago. Eddie, the doorman hops from behind his desk to greet her with a hug. _Why are all of Castle's family, friends, employees, whatevers so nice to me?_

"Good morning, Detective Beckett, we certainly have missed having you around here. I guess with the family being scattered with the wind this summer, there was no need for you to stop by."

"Thanks, Eddie, that is nice of you to say", Kate offered as she returned his hug. "Eddie did Martha and Alexis make it back into town yesterday?"

"Yes Detective they did. I am sure they're still up there today sorting out all of the summer things and preparing for Mr. C. to come home in a few days."

"Thanks Eddie. I am just going to drop in to welcome them home."

As Kate entered the elevator the feeling of panic starts rising in proportion to the rising of the elevator. _What if they would not see her? Why would you think that after what you just thought when you were speaking with Eddie? How about panic making me think this. Now I am starting to talk to myself, and answering my own questions._

She hesitates outside the front door to the loft, before she finally knocks.

The door swings open and Alexis gives her an astonished look. Kate can see Martha standing by the couch only a few feet away. Alexis seems to be uncertain as to what she is supposed to do.

She appears to be guarding her words when she says "Hi, Detective Beckett", and then her eyes dart back to her grandmother seeking guidance.

Kate is strongly thinking that this might not have been a good idea, but she responds to the young Castle, "Hi, Lex, its been a long time."

The young girl again looks to her grandmother with pleading eyes. With that Martha finally says, "Its alright Alexis."

With that Alexis rushes to Kate and almost crushes her with her arms. "Oh, Kate we have missed you so much. I cannot stand not having you around. What did we d..."

"Alexis, no", Martha's words being expertly inserted to cut off the ensuing question. "Alexis, let go of her so she can come in. Oh, darling it is so good to see you." Martha takes Kate in her arms and provides the most heavenly motherly embrace.

_What the hell is going on today. Everything this morning, and now coming here and encountering this situation. I look at these two and I do not know whether they are going to hate me, or smother me with their love. I could swear that Lex was going to ask me "What did we do?", like they had offended me and I subsequently had not been around, or not spoken with them on the phone because I did not like them anymore. My God, these people have treated me like family. How could they have done anything wrong?_

The three women stood there trying to figure out what they should do. Finally, Martha took control. "Kiddo this is a summer that I would like to forget, and certainly never repeat. And I am saying that, after having had the opportunity to enjoy a marvelous experience with our summer stock troupe, and be grateful of the fact that Alexis may have had an even greater educational experience at Princeton. Kate we love you to death, and we have both have missed what we thought we were building together. In the winter and spring, it was like we were a family of four building toward bigger and better things. Then, just like your apartment it seemed like everything was destroyed."

The balance of joy and despair were now in an all out battle within Kate. Which way did she go with trying to understand what avenue of this discussion she should travel down. Finally, she speaks, "Martha, Lex I don't know what to say. I am so confused with what I am hearing from you that I do not know how to respond. You have to help me with this because I do not understand. Please know that I cherish the relationship that the three of us have and in no way do I want that to be destroyed. Can we just take a step back and try to come to a jumping off point so we can all be on the same page."

At this Martha heads to the wine rack and the refrigerator. "It works for me darling, take off your jacket and just throw it and your package over there on the table. Alexis come in here and lets put together a veggie tray to snack on while we try to figure out what the hell is going on."

**NEVER AGAIN**

**Chapter Four**

Realizing that she and the Castle women were about to spend an afternoon catching up and exploring what was really going on in their lives, Kate decided that she better check in with Ryan and Espisito. After determining that everything had been relatively quiet, she told them that she may take a couple of days off to be with Martha and Alexis. She would have to clear it with Captain Montgomery. Following her one-woman wrecking crew performance in the squad room this morning, Montgomery was teetering on the brink of directing said Detective Kate Beckett to go home for a few days. He shared this possible disciplinary action with her when she called. After Kate's apology, and her declaration that she would reimburse the department for her destroyed cell phone, Montgomery told her to not to come back until after Labor Day and that today's explosion would not be tolerated again. Kate could tell that he was disappointed in her actions, but he also understood the subtext.

As she hung up the phone from talking with the Captain, Kate could see that Martha and Lex had placed two bottles of wine, some water and soft drinks along with a large tray containing fresh vegetables, fruit, cheese and crackers on the coffee table in front of the couch. The Castle family could certainly entertain their guests at a minute's notice, especially if they considered that guest one of their own.

Kate sat down on the couch (placing the Fed Ex package between her and corner of the couch), Alexis sat in the middle of the couch close to Kate, and Martha took up residence in the wing chair. They began by Martha recounting tales about the summer stock production, and Alexis explaining how exciting it was to spend an extended amount of time on a college campus. The experience would be tremendously helpful to her once she began college next fall.

After about an hour of catching up and thankfully for Kate, a lightening of the mood, Martha stated the obvious, "Well, now we have handled the fluff in our lives, we best start dealing with some real issues. I know what I want to ask, but it may be a little early for that. So, what's it going to be Kate?"

Although she knew it was going to come down to her, Kate was somewhat relieved that she was given the opportunity to call the first pitch. "Have either of you read the _Talk of the Town_ column on page 6 today?"

"Kiddo", Martha declared, "of course I have read it. That silly Dewey. There wasn't any need for that. As far as I know it is all quite true, except maybe about the _Naked Heat_ release. I have no first hand knowledge about that part of the article. Why do you ask?"

The Fed Ex package began to burn a hole in Kate's side as Martha spoke. Kate responded to Martha's question with two questions, "Why has Rick stopped the night life circuit, and why has Gina been in her office all summer?"

Martha seemed to have a smirk on her face as she replied, "Well the two questions are certainly related, but the first one has a little more depth to it. But, perhaps if I answer the last one first it will lead to the significance of your first question. Gina, I assume was in her office this summer because she had no other avenue to escape the glass and concrete of the city during the work week."

Kate was now starting to get light headed again. She reached for some of the vegetables and crackers, and took a quick sip of wine, and then stated, "I thought she went to the Hamptons with Rick for the summer. She left with him from the precinct on the Friday before Memorial Day." _At 4:36pm to be exact if anybody is keeping track. I'm talking to myself again._

Martha seemed to be a bit perplexed as she responded, "Katie, please tell me that this is not what all of this is about. Are you mad at Richard because you think he went to the Hamptons with Gina?"

"Well, no, but I..."

Martha continues, "Darling, technically she likely did go to Long Island with him, but not to be with him at his home. There is a distinct history for Richard with Gina, and the likelihood that they would ever be together in anything other than a business connection would be so remote that I don't think any human could get there. I am not sure that Richard would want me to share some aspects of that history with you or anyone else, but I will if you think that it will help us with our journey today."

"Yes, I would like for you to share. On my honor, I will not disclose anything that you tell me. But, first off, what do you mean by technically?" Kate uttered.

Martha needed to preface her remarks, "Sweetheart, I told you that your two questions had a correlation and I will try to weave them together in some way to make sense to you. Some of what I am going to tell you may be a little painful for Alexis, but she already knows about it, so I am sure that my baby can handle these things being discussed. The things that involve you, I am not sure that you know about because Richard may not have felt that he was in a position to share them without you interpreting them in the wrong way."

"Martha please, the last thing I want to do is to upset Lex", Kate pleaded.

Alexis jumps in for the first time, "Its alright Kate, I know where this is going. Except with regard to you, Dad has never held anything back from me regarding matters that could effect Grams and me. So don't worry."

"Okay, if I am to begin this you might as well grab your wine and sit back because this will take a while. Why don't you move that package out of the way so you can be more comfortable?"

"Oh, uh, that's alright, I'll be fine."

"Well, here goes. What do I mean by technically? I am not sure that he did, but if Richard had Gina in the car with him going to the Hamptons, it would have been merely to provide her a ride to the house that she and her gentleman friend have in the West Hampton area on this end of Long Island. He's a Wall Street type, who I assume most be affable and someone who may be as shallow as Gina, or at least someone who was willing to see her for what she is and go with the flow. Believe me, I am not setting out here to degrade her, but our family's experience with Gina, and the things that Richard has done to protect Alexis and me, and you for that matter does not leave the best taste in one's mouth."

_Kate could feel the hyperventilation returning. My God, he did not leave 'with her'. Protecting me. I don't need to be protected from that bitch._

"Anyway, I am sure that during the summer she made her way to the other end of the island to make sure that Richard was making suitable progress on _Naked Heat_. Other than that there would have been no other contact. That was part of their unwritten agreement."

_What the hell does that mean?_

Martha was studying Kate's reactions. "So, Kate are you thinking, what do I mean by some kind of agreement?"

_Shit. Can she read me as easily as Castle? What is with these people and their clairvoyance._

"Uh, yes." she sputters.

Martha continues. "Richard and Gina had a prenuptial agreement when they got married. If they divorced she would receive a mid-town apartment; Richard would not dismiss her as his editor; and alimony in the amount of $25,000 a month. As his editor, Gina benefits significantly from the sales of his books. So she has most certainly been taken care of financially over the past several years. With the success of _Heat Wave_, Gina had the most high profile client in the world of fiction, let alone Black Pawn. She wanted to exploit the playboy image that the marketing department had created for Richard and use that to enhance her meal ticket's profits, thus lining her pockets even more. One of the drawbacks to promoting the playboy image centered on the fact that the 'playboy' had a teenage daughter and his mother living with him. Gina and Alexis did not have the best of relationships. I think more often than not they tried to tolerate one another. While she and Richard were together she never did anything of an overt nature to cause discomfort for Alexis, but she was never very supportive. This enhancement of the playboy image coincided with the offer for Richard to take over the writing of new novels based on Fleming's James Bond character; as well as the further continuation of Richard's work with you. So Gina had a triangle of issues to try to ride rough shod over Richard; Alexis and his mother, James Bond and Kate Beckett."

Kate turned her head toward Alexis to see how she was handling this information. She seemed resolute in her ability to rehash something to which she already knew the outcome.

**NEVER AGAIN**

**Chapter Five**

Martha continued. "At this point Gina made a tactical error. Having very little depth in her own character she was unable to fathom how anyone could, or would turn down her plan. First she wanted Richard to work out a deal with Meredith to have Alexis begin living with her mother in California. A teenage daughter for a playboy was a no-no, but for a beautiful actress, she could get a lot of mileage out of it with the entertainment industry press. For me, he could simply buy me my own place. The second was a no-brainer, you have to take over the James Bond writings, the publicity from that alone would last you for the rest of your life. The Nikki Heat novel could easily be seen as a one-off. And lastly, there was you Kate. Gina may not be the most likeable individual, but her antennae did not miss much. She had heard the rumblings from the minions that crisscross through Richard's life and the NYPD. She was well aware of the spark that was smoldering between her meal ticket and the detective that served as the prototype for Nikki Heat. Richard had already begun to change the way that he conducted his life since he started shadowing you. I may have a pretty solid guess as to why he was doing it, but I can not say for certain that he was doing it in hopes that it might mean something to someone. Gina had also caught wind of the fact that you had banished Richard from your presence when he tried to be in her words "your knight in shining honor" by attempting to use his deductive skills and resources to find your mother's killer. She decided that one of her main points of focus would be to do whatever she could to keep the two of you apart... Kate, your face is starting to tighten. Do you want me to quit?"

Kate was lost in her thoughts of what was being presented to her. She could not get a grip on the anger that was beginning to build, but she knew that if she wanted to completely understand this particular day, and all of the days for the past year and a half she would have to calm herself so that she could process things properly. It finally had dawned on her that she would do what she and Castle did best, she would build a murder board in her mind. She would mentally structure all of this information into an outline so that in her mind the two of them could feed off each other to have everything make sense.

"No, Martha I'm sorry." she stated. "This is, uh, a lot of stuff that I know nothing about, and it's just somewhat overwhelming."

"Sweetheart, I know." Martha said as she placed her hand on Kate's knee. "Richard would never let any of this get anywhere near the three of us. That is why I said, Gina had made a tactical error. The day that she presented her glorious plan to Richard, I came home to find him locked in his study. He had never done that. Alexis and I know to provide him his solitude when he is writing, but he never locks his door to us. After a little motherly pleading he let me in. The look in his eyes broke my heart, but also gave me cause for concern because of the anger that I could see accompanying his pain. Since the beginning, when it was just the two of us he has always shared the things that had to do with our lives. That is not to say that he has shared everything, but if it had to do with us he wanted me to never have to feel there was a hidden agenda at work. For the last five months there is something that has happened to him that I am not totally privy to, but I know that it has affected him deeply... I'm sorry I got off track." Martha had a sip of wine and took a deep breath to avoid the build up of any deeper emotions that would interfere with her attempts to re-focus.

"Anyway, he shared with me what had taken place with Gina. He did not have to explain what he was going to do about the situation because I knew he would take care of it like he has always done. Richard had always responded to my touch because he knew that it was a physical gesture that demonstrated my unconditional love. He has made that a distinct part of his relationship with Alexis. So, I held him tightly and gave him a kiss, and said 'Kiddo you always take care of us, and we will always be here for you'."

A shiver seemed to start to race up Kate's back. She looked at Lex and could see how she was reflecting on the emotional and physical love that her father gave her. _My God, what is going on. How could I be so blind as to not have some insight into any of this. Where was I that I couldn't see._

Martha continued, "Kate, when something needs done Richard makes it happen. He knew what would keep Gina at bay, and he did not hesitate to implement it. She did not understand that 'her plan' would be seen as veiled threat to Richard. If you have little, or no care for those close to you, you don't have that sense about you to protect the ones you love. Richard knew that Gina would likely never marry her current lover, because that would mean that the prenuptial would be voided. She wasn't about to loose her alimony and her position as his editor. Perhaps, if she found someone who was unseemly wealthy, it might be worth the risk. So, Richard gave her an additional $25,000 a month, plus a portion of his royalties from his various works. In return, Gina was to never attempt to contact me or Alexis; she would never let this 'so called plan' be known to anyone; he would not be involved in their marketing plan outside of doing an initial release appearance and select book signings; and finally if she, or any Black Dawn staff member ever so much as approached the Department or anyone else seeking information about you, or the death of your mother she would lose everything."

Kate could not control herself any longer, "You're telling me that he is paying this woman $600,000 a year, plus a percentage of his own royalties, plus allowing her to have a job that is probably paying her another half a million dollars a year just to keep her from trying to manipulate his life, his family and me. He's allowing her to extort him."

She could not sit any longer. Kate began to pace the floor in back of the couch. The anger was starting to spew now. _Why would he let her do this? Why did he not tell me? I could kill this bitch with the back of my hand. Why would he not let me?_

"Kate, darling please", Martha pleaded. "Don't look at it like a police officer. These are the actions of an individual who is a son, a father and man more deeply in love with a woman he cannot get through to that he will use whatever ammunition he can to stop any threat to what he holds dear. In this case that threat, from this source, calls for the use of money. The ironic part about it is he gets to use the least important thing to him to protect the most important things. Don't get me wrong, Kate, I am not trying to put Richard on a pedestal even though he is my son. We didn't have all that much when I was raising him, but we certainly were not poor, and we had each other. I schlepped him from pillar to post chasing theatrical roles, and he never complained. He was my biggest cheerleader. When he began to write, and then started to become famous from his work he made certain that he did something with that money to insure that I, and then Alexis, would never want for anything ever again. He has probably increased the net income from his writings a hundred fold by calculated investments. This money he is giving to Gina would seem to him to be a mere pittance. That is what makes it so easy for him to use it in our defense. Richard's use of his fame and his money is solely directed to first help others in need, to honor those who have served others, like in your moth... uh no, I'm sorry, and to bring safety and happiness to those whom he loves. I'm sorry if you do not want to hear this Kate, but Richard's whole world is sitting in this room right now."

Kate continued to pace back and forth periodically looking at Martha and then Alexis. _What did the hesitation after the 'to honor those who have served others' mean?_ As she continued to process this information the murder board in her mind was becoming overloaded. She needed to have one of _their_ exchanges so the board could be molded into something that would lead _them_ to a solution. But the other part of _them_ was not here.

Kate moved back to couch and sat down. She pressed the side of her hip tightly against the package that she by now was sure contained even more insights. As she sipped her wine, she tried to relieve her furrowed brow by massaging it with her free hand.

"Martha," she stated, "thank you for sharing all of this with me. I know that it was difficult to open up about some of these things. What you have told me certainly explains the first part of Henderson's column, as well as Gina's traveling with Rick to the island. I don't know how someone could do what she has done to a person who has done nothing but try to be at the very least decent to her. But, I guess that is for another time.

Martha was not going to let it go unnoticed. "Kate, you do know that Alexis and I love you very much?"

Kate braced herself, "Yes."

"And you have to know that we wished you had never left us last winter after your apartment was destroyed."

Kate fought back the tears, "Even through all the strife, those were such good times."

Alexis jumped in, "You know that we will do anything in the world for you, and that what ever is ours is yours."

_Please don't go on with this._ Kate whispered, "Yes."

Martha looked directly into Kate's eyes, "Kate, what is in the package that you seem to be guarding with your life?"

Now the tears started to flow down her cheeks, "I think it holds the answer to the rest of what this may all be about... Its the only edition of _Naked Heat_."

**NEVER AGAIN**

**Chapter Six**

... Its the only edition of _Naked Heat_."

Both Martha and Alexis were somewhat dumbfounded by her declaration. Martha spoke first, "Where did you get it?" Then Alexis, "How do you know it holds any answers?"

Kate slipped the package from its place of safety and opened it to reveal its contents. Martha and Alexis both handled the book and saw it to be like any other hardback edition of one of Richard's books. The cover jacket was black and yellow in color. The silhouette of a naked Nikki Heat lying across keys from a typewriter dominated the middle section of the book jacket. _Naked Heat_ was emblazoned across the bottom of the cover.

"I received this package this morning when I arrived at the precinct," Kate offered, "Rick had sent it to me. I did not open it right away because Ryan and Espisito asked me about the page 6 column. I had so many questions going through my mind by that time, I had forgotten about the package. The way that it was addressed, I thought that it was just some departmental correspondence."

Martha interrupted, "How was it addressed?"

"It was addressed to Detective Katherine Beckett." As Kate finished this brief reply, she noticed a strange look develop in Martha's eyes.

Kate continued, but did not take her eyes off Martha, "I opened the book to see if it truly was what a regular edition would look like. Everything looked normal. The dedication was even included which, according to Rick meant the book was in final form and headed for release. Reading the dedication for some reason made me feel uncomfortable, so I tossed the book back on my desk."

"What did the dedication say?", asked Alexis.

Passing the book toward Alexis, Kate said "Here, you can read it." And Alexis shared the words with her grandmother.

_To the extraordinary KB_

_Thank you for your guidance and for allowing me to experience your dedication to your work._

_I wish for you a lifetime of safety and happiness._

Kate continued to watch Martha for her reactions as she said "When I tossed the book onto my desk, a piece of notepaper slid from behind the dedication page. When I picked it up I saw that it was a hand written note on Rick's stationary."

Kate pulled the piece of stationary from the book jacket and handed it to Martha. Alexis got up from the couch to sit on the arm rest of Martha's chair so that they could both read its contents.

Katherine,

I trust that you are safe, and that your summer plans have brought you happiness. This printed version of Naked Heat is the only one in existence. I had my friend at the printing company surreptitiously create this for me because it is quite possible, no quite probable, that this book will not make its way out of Black Pawn. They are none to happy about it, or me. I had already committed to you that I would offer it for you to read, so that is why I am sending it to you in this fashion. Should you either not wish to read it, or not wish to keep it please return it to me so that I can place it in the archives of my other works. At this point, I think that I can recite it verbatim, so I do not need to read a printed version of my work like I usually do.

Be well,

Richard

Martha could not have even gotten through the first word when she got out of the chair and proceeded toward Rick's study. When she got there she shut the door behind her.

Alexis and Kate exchanged confused looks and sat in wonder over Martha's reaction. Alexis finished reading the note and asked, "Kate do you know what this is supposed to mean?"

"Sweetheart, no I don't. All I can think is that the book itself will provide an explanation for the note."

Martha returned from the study and sat down next to Kate and Alexis. "Ladies" she began, I just called Vincent and asked him to be here tomorrow morning by 9:00am. I told him that we will be needing him to drive us out to the beach house and he should plan on us staying for a few days while we close the house down for the season. Kate, I realize you may not wish to go with us, but if you should demand that I call in a favor, or beg you, I'm prepared to do so."

Attempting to recover from this strange statement, Kate asks, "Martha, what made you jump up and leave? And, you don't have to do anything to get me to help out unless there is something you are not telling me."

"Kate, pass me the note so that I can read it in its entirety to make sure that I didn't react too prematurely."

Kate passed the letter to Martha while she studied Alexis' face to see if she could discern any knowing from her.

Martha quickly read the note and stated "Okay, 9:00am it is then. Kate, if you would like to go to your apartment and pack some things for a few days and then come back here, we would love it. If you want to go home tonight and have us pick you up in the morning that would be fine as well. The main thing is, for you own edification, you are going to have to read that book before we get to the house. That means you have the rest of what is left of this afternoon, tonight and tomorrow in the car."

"Martha, what is going on?, Kate started, "Do you know what is in this book?"

Tears were starting to form in Martha's eyes as she replied, "I dare say that aside from a few details, I know exactly what the book depicts. And as a result, I know that my son is in trouble."

"Grams, what do you mean he is in trouble? With the law? With...Grams your not saying he's suicidal are you?"

Hearing Alexis' plea, Kate's heart almost exploded. _Martha obviously saw something in the note, I obviously heard something in the resignation quality of his voice this morning. This cannot be happening._

Martha quickly jumped in, "Oh, Sweetheart no, your father would never do anything illegal, and he would absolutely never leave you and me. I'm sorry if what I said brought up that sense of distress. If I thought anything like that we would be leaving right now as opposed to tomorrow morning."

Kate's heart was pounding so hard she thought it would be visible through her blouse. _He would not leave the two of you. Why was I not included in that statement?_

"Martha, why did you not include me in that response?"

"Kate, I'm sorry, I'm upset and I'm not doing a very good job in communicating the thoughts that are racing through my mind. Richard would never leave you either, unless he thought he had to. I told you that this is a summer I never want to see repeated. A part of that we already covered, the fact that he had asked that Alexis and I not intrude in your life. I wouldn't doubt that he probably hasn't contacted anyone at the precinct this summer as well, for fear that it would be seen as intruding in your world. Darling, I know that I would bet all of our lives on the fact that I know what is in that book, but I don't what to influence your reading of it."

"But, you got all of this from just one glance at the note?"

Martha sighed heavily as she tried to think of a way to give as little insight as possible while not overshadowing Kate's interpretations of the book as she reads it, "When I saw that he addressed the note to Katherine, I knew that he had crawled into his shell. His shell is not the solitude he seeks when he writes, its the armor that he must wrap himself in for protection. He could not address you as Detective, or Beckett because that would mean that he was a part of your work world, and he was not supposed to intrude. He could not address you as Kate because that would mean that there was some form of personal relationship, and his experiences have led him to believe that he is not wanted. So, to underscore his respect and still keep his distance, he was left with Katherine." She paused before continuing, "Don't think that this is some mystical weaving of a tale by an elderly mother, if I were not aware of the things that are most certainly in that book, I would not have been able to make that deduction."

_My God will this day ever end. _"Martha, I swear to you I never told him to leave" She pleaded.

"Kiddo, I bet you find the first part of that book to be full of life and hope. You will probably be able to read it so quickly you will be surprised at where you are. I am also sure that you will find a character who has done everything that one can possibly do to get through to another character, only to be turned away each time. You will see as a result of this continued rejection this character allows an incredibly stupid thing to take place. The character will openly admit the transgression, but the failure perhaps leads to other things that will become unbearable. The character will be forced to visually face first hand what is feared. When that character makes one last effort to reach out they are rebuffed by deceit in order to cover the fear the other character held. There will be nothing left for that character... I have said enough you need to come to your own conclusions."

"So, Kate," she continued, you have a task to complete before we get to the island. Please run home and put some things together, while Alexis and I prepare dinner for us. You can stay in Richard's bedroom so that we will not disturb you while you read."

"Martha, I don't know if that...

"None of that my dear. We all have already spent far too much time apart. Now get out of here so you can get back."

Alexis grabbed Kate in a fierce hug and then pushed her out the door.

**NEVER AGAIN**

**Chapter Seven**

Upon entering her apartment, Kate went throughout the place adjusting the thermostat, shutting off the main water valve, all of those little things you do when you are going to gone for a few days. As she walked passed her bookcase she froze. _Shit! Alexis had pushed me out of the loft so quickly I forgot to grab the book._ She tried to quell her panic with some deep breaths. _For Christ sakes they're not going to steal it, or let anything happen to it. I've got to move this along so I can get back there._

She got out one of her medium size suit cases with the mindset being she should be able to get enough in one clothes bag and a small bag for toiletries. The weather was still quite warm so shorts and bathing suits should do the trick. She had not spent much time if any out on Long Island to give her some sense as to what might be needed if they all went out at night. The medium size suit case was soon abandoned for one of the larger ones. Nighttime apparel was now added to the daytime apparel. She finished compiling her cosmetic needs and scurried out the door.

Kate thought that she would stop at _their_ favorite bakery and get some bear claws for a tiny breakfast snack before they left for the island. She knew that as soon as Castle saw Alexis and Martha, he would immediately start whipping up one of his elaborate brunches. _I hope I am welcome at the house. We have been talking about so many things today, I never let my mind wander to whether or not he would be comfortable with my being there._

Pulling up to Castle's building, Kate parked right out front. Eddie was still working the door and he told Kate that he would bring her bags right up, and then place her car in the underground garage. She told him that there were only two luggage bags, and she would take the small one with her, as well as the bakery bag.

Martha answered the door when Kate knocked. "Glad your back, Kiddo, we missed you. Is Eddie bringing up your luggage?"

"Yes, he should be here as soon as he makes sure the front door is covered. I brought some pastries for us to eat in the morning before we leave." _Kate scanned the room for the book. It was sitting where she left it on the coffee table. At least so far I haven't failed at protecting this. _

"Bear claws we presume," said Alexis and Martha simultaneously.

"Uh, yea. Is that okay?" Kate stammered.

Both Martha and Alexis were now laughing. "Kate, darling we are not laughing at you, just at the situation. If either one of us would see you or Richard with a sack of pastries from Maison's, there is little doubt that residing in that sack would be the most delicious bear claws. Sweetheart, I have shared a great deal of information with you today, some that maybe I shouldn't have. I will have to answer to Richard for that, but being his mother there is a chance that I will get away with it. So, I am going to say one last thing before we eat and you run off to Richard's bedroom to read that book. That book may or may not cause a great deal of pain for you. I am already certain that Richard is suffering terribly, especially since he stated in his note that he could probably quote it verbatim."

Kate could see the tears start to well up in Martha's eyes again.

"...There is a man who lives in this house that loves you so deeply that he would move heaven and earth for you. If Maison's had closed their New York City bakery during the time Richard was with you at the precinct, he would have either had those bear claws flown in daily from Paris, or gone to Paris himself overnight to make sure he had them available for you each morning. …...My son is now likely going to commit matricide, and knowing him, he will probably use that devilish mind of his to devise a scenario that will allow him to get away with it. Enough said. I'm likely dead meat by now anyway. Kate, this family loves you and we want us all to be together. That book may be a hindrance to both you and Richard, but hopefully we can do something to overcome things that have happened, and pain that has been caused. Come now, let's eat.

_How many times have I cried today? How many times have I been angry? How many times have I been scared? And now I am about to read what, a depiction of an invented life, or the raw happenings of a real one? Tears, anger and being scared could not begin to do justice to what was going on inside my head and my heart. Can you imagine spending ten hours in air travel and paying five thousand dollars for two bear claws. And she's telling me that he would turn around and do it again the next day without a second thought. My God, what have we done to one another?_

They dined on grilled chicken salad, croissants and an exquisite chardonnay. Thankfully, it served as the backdrop to lighter conversation. After they cleared dinner and put the dishes in the dishwasher, Kate poured herself another glass of the chardonnay, grabbed the book and headed toward Richard's bedroom.

She turned to them and said, "Thank you so much for dinner, and thank you for allowing me back in here. I am a little tired after dealing with all of this today, but I will do my best to finish it tonight. Please stop in the room on your way to bed to make sure that I'm still at it."

Alexis answered for the both of them, "It's the nicest dinner that we have had this summer. Your being here made it that much more special. We will check on you in a couple of hours."

When Eddie brought her bag up to the loft, Alexis asked if he would just go ahead and carry that bag and her cosmetics bag up to her dad's bedroom. Having done that Kate only had to carry her wine glass and the book up the stairs. His bedroom was sumptuous. It was certainly masculine with its heavy dark stained wood and creamed colored walls. The walls were adorned by landscape paintings and tapestries. There was an overstuffed chair and ottoman to the right of the massive bed. An end table and floor lamp accented the chair on its left side. The bathroom was to the left of the bed. Beautiful marble, cut stone flooring and glass highlighted this enormous space. A jacuzzi tub and a large glassed in shower at the far end of bathroom were separated by a magnificent window that was especially coated to allow for a beautiful view of the city to be captured from the inside, while denying visual access from the outside. Kate thought for a moment that she would do what she usually does with a Richard Castle, candles and a hot bath, but this had not been the best of days and the bath along with the wine may prove to be to soothing. She had an assignment to complete. The overstuffed chair seemed to be the most prudent option.

She placed her wine glass on the end table and slowly moved into the confines of the chair. This simple movement almost seemed like a surreal experience. It was like she was gliding into his arms. The structure of the chair just enveloped her. The chair back and its arms made it feel like she was being caressed. The warmth was incredible. She allowed herself to bury her face in its fabric. Kate could smell his aftershave. That light, clean scent that was so intoxicating. She had always noticed that when they were challenging each other in their efforts to figure out the puzzle of a murder board they would get closer to one another as they began to 'finish the others sentences'. His smell would be light and inviting, as opposed to strong and oppressive like some colognes can be. _I almost lost myself in his arms...no his chair. Maybe the bedside chair was not going to be the best place for me to concentrate. But, I can't go to the bathtub and I sure as hell can't move to the bed. So, I have to concentrate. Let's get to it._

The more that she read, the more she became convinced that there must be something eerie about Martha. Was she indeed clairvoyant, or did she sneak peeks at Castle's writings as he progressed through the book? Kate was so used to Castle's writing style that the words just seemed to flow as she moved from page to page. She was a fast reader, but this flow seemed to be more like a rapid. The storyline moved through the various cases that Nikki and Rook had worked on during a six month period. Their collaborative efforts were full of keen insights, fast-paced banter and the more than occasional flirtatious looks and words. Their work had not been lost on the 'powers that be' within the Department. Nikki and her team of detectives had received two commendations from the NYPD and one from the FBI for their work in solving a serial killer case. Newspaper articles touted their performance. Nikki had been pleasantly surprised by these accolades for her work, but it was tempered by the fact that Rook had not been sighted as being a part of their efforts. She had said as much to him, but his only response was visual, not verbal. The pride that he had in his eyes for her was all he would ever ask for. _I know that I am supposed to be the inspiration for these books, but this is reading more like a diary of __our__ lives._

By the time Alexis knocked on the bedroom door, Kate was already more than halfway through the book. "Come in," Kate called out. "Is everything going okay?", Alexis asked as she entered the room."

"Yes, I am moving right along. I'm more than halfway through I think. Your father's writing is simple, but elegant, and it makes it so easy to read."

"Well, I will leave you to it," Alexis responded. "I'll check on you first thing in the morning to make sure you didn't fall asleep. I know that is a great chair, but please get into the bed when you finish so that you will not be tired for our trip tomorrow."

Alexis moved toward the chair and leaned down to give Kate a hug. "I love you, Kate, and I can't tell you how much I like having you right next door."

As the tears started to build in her eyes, Kate responded, "I love you too, Lex. Sleep well. I'll see you in the morning."

As they broke from their hug, Martha was standing in the doorway watching them. They thought that she was going to come in to say good night, but the brilliant smile on her face was enhanced only by her words, "Ah, my two girls." She blithely waved and glided to her room.

Returning to her task, Kate headed toward the last sections of the book. As she did, she realized that the mood of the text had begun to reveal a darker quality. A quality that was almost palpable. _Now, I am almost positive that Martha must be part sorceress, part seer, part something. Will I ever know someone that well as to be able to know what they are thinking just by a look or a word? Does finishing someone else's sentences indicate a precursor to that kind of relationship?_

If one could put a color code to the pages of this book, the first two hundred pages would be a bright yellow, and the last hundred would be a transition from gray to black. Nikki and Rook continued their collaboration through several cases. Sensing that their working relationship was growing stronger, Rook sought to attempt to advance the personal relationship that he so desired with Nikki. Each attempt continued to be met with either disregard, or out and out rejection. No matter what efforts were being made he began to realize that his attempts toward advancement were no farther along than they had been a year ago. The disconsolate attitude that evolved from his thwarted attempts began to cloud his entire life and his actions. In a moment of weakness he had succumbed to the overtures of one of the magazine's marketing staff. It may have seemed harmless, as well as meaningless, but to him he knew it was failure. He had spent over a year trying to work so diligently to demonstrate to Nikki that he was worth building a relationship with, only to likely fall short of what she would demand. Rook revealed his actions to her, not necessarily in hope of seeking absolution, but merely to be forthcoming. He was not banished from working with her, but in the weeks that followed he witnessed the development of a relationship between Nikki and another precinct detective. His working relationship with Nikki did not grow cold, but it certainly lacked any of the vibrancy of their earlier times together.

In one valiant attempt to rekindle some kind of spark between them, Rook asked Nikki to spend some time with him over a holiday weekend. Nikki dismissed the request by saying that she did not have the ability to leave work during that time period. As it turned out, Rook witnessed an exchange between Nikki and her fellow detective that revealed the fact that she had not been honest with him in her refusal of his request. She tried to minimize the deception by saying that now that she and the detective were together she did not want to have anyone feel uncomfortable. Rook may have demonstrated foolish behavior in the past, but he certainly was no fool. There was indeed a difference between seeing or dating someone, and being together with someone. Together with someone. Rook had tried for over a year to be considered worthy enough to be together with Nikki, and now after only a few short weeks she had developed that kind of a relationship with someone else. The acceptance of abject failure was all that was left for him.

As the words described the story's situation, Rook was at a point where he could continue to inhabit an environment which might make others, including himself feel uncomfortable, or he could do what he had determined to be the right thing, remove himself from their presence. To ease the extrication and allow it to appear that the focus would be on his leaving with another rather than have it look like Nikki had chosen someone else, Rook arranged for that information to be filtered to Nikki's detective unit. In the end, it would be better for everyone at the precinct that they not condone his actions rather than have to question hers.

Kate had literally been able to race through, in Castle's words, the first fifty to seventy-five percent of the book. As she looked at the bedside clock it read 3:14am. The last twenty-five percent had taken her almost three hours to read. As she finished, she pondered on Martha's words, "...what's in their may cause you pain, but hopefully we can overcome it." The book was indeed a diary woven from a tapestry of actions and thoughts. Gina would probably love it and hate it. Love it for the fact that in all likelihood this might mean that Kate Beckett was finally out of Richard Castle's life and she still would benefit from their financial agreement. Hate it because she did not like the morose tone of the book's ending, and although it might mean an end to the Nikki Heat series, would there still be a shot at the James Bond opportunity.

Now it was all in front of her. The feeling of pride for doing good work; the joy, the laughter and the caring demonstrated for her almost daily; and the pain and suffering of their misguided actions. All of this in front of her. _How do we get it behind us?_Kate clutched the book to her chest and slid beneath the sheets of the bed. His scent permeated the pillow and was even more powerful than the chair, and he hadn't even been in the bed in four months. As she drifted off to sleep her mind focused on his blue eyes hoping that she might have the opportunity some day to slowly drift right into them. _How do we get it behind us?_

**NEVER AGAIN**

**Chapter Eight**

The light rapping seemed to be coming from miles away. As Kate started to stir from her deep sleep, she found that she had to acclimate herself to her surroundings. She was in Rick's bed. She was alone. Everything began to become clearer as she felt the book nuzzled against her chest.

She could then recognize Alexis' voice coming from outside the door, "Kate, are you awake?"

"Alexis, come on in" Kate replied.

"Good morning, Kate. I'm glad to see that you finally got to get into bed."

"What time is it?"

"It's about seven o'clock. Vincent will be here at nine, so I thought this would give you time to shower and eat those bear claws before we have to leave. Did you get to sleep very much?"

"Well, if it's around seven I must have been able to get three or four hours worth. They certainly were three or four hours of deep sleep. I don't think I have moved an inch from where I started out."

"Were you able to finish the book?"

"Yes, …...and Alexis, we need to be very careful around your grandmother. She is most definitely psychic."

Laughingly, Alexis replied "I'll tell her you said that."

Kate quickly said "You probably won't have to." Which brought even more laughter from Alexis. _Laughter. I don't think that I have even smiled in four months, let alone laugh._ _How do we get it behind us? __ He could always make me smile._

"I'll see you downstairs" Alexis called over her shoulder as she went back out the bedroom door.

Kate threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, brushed her teeth and washed her faced before heading downstairs to the kitchen. The aroma of the _his_ coffee filled the air. It seemed so inviting, as well as calming.

Giving her a rather cryptic look, Kate offered "Good morning, Martha."

"Oh, good morning darling. I'm glad that you were able to finish Richard's book and still get a few hours of sleep. And, by the way young lady, I understand that you are under the impression that I may be in the possession of some type of mystical power" Martha chuckled. "Ah, if it were only true. One day, Kate when you have your own child, you will understand that gift that is given to us that I was able to call upon on this particular day with regard to mine. Come, sit down. Pour yourself some coffee and let's enjoy these delicious looking bear claws."

Upon finishing their coffee and pastries, they each retired to their rooms to get ready for their trip. Kate felt like she was in heaven as she stood among the multiple water jets in Rick's shower. The pulsating beat served to energize her body. _Oh, what this would be like to experience every morning and night either alone, or with another._ _How do we get it behind us?_ As she stood in front of the full length mirror drying her hair, that she had allowed to get longer over the summer, the scent of _his_ aftershave coming from the vanity sent a tingly sensation through her body. Her eyes passed over the tiny scar underneath her left arm, the result of a through and through gun shot she had been the victim of in her early days on the job. Even though it was really nothing , she knew that if, or when he ever saw it, it would bring tears to his eyes. It just came flooding back, _How do we get it behind us?_

The bags were at the front door when Eddie knocked. He said that Vincent had just called him from a couple of blocks away, and he should be out front in about five minutes. As Alexis and Martha did a last check of the loft, Kate called Captain Montgomery to let him know where she could be located over the next few days. He was surprised, happy and wary all at the same time.

Vincent greeted them at the car, and proceeded to help Eddie with the luggage. After they were all in the car, he informed them that the traffic report for the LIE showed light to moderate density in the eastbound lanes. It was good that they were traveling on Thursday as opposed to Friday, it would probably only take them an hour and half to two hours to get to the house.

Still clutching the book in her hands, Kate sat in the seat facing Martha and Alexis for the ride out to the island. They had her sit there alone in case she might want to stretch out and try to get a little more sleep.

The usual fog bank was beginning to clear over the Atlantic shore as they headed eastward to the tip of the island. It was going to be a beautiful day even if the temperature might hit ninety degrees. The wind coming off the ocean was certainly going to make it more tolerable.

When it was apparent that Kate was not going to try to sleep, Martha asked the obvious question, "Well, darling, was the book helpful to you?"

Instead of a direct yes or no, Kate replied with the phrase that had been haunting her since she entered the depths of the books ending, "How do we get it behind us?"

"Kiddo, I may have the motherly insight into my son, but that doesn't mean I can necessarily conjure up solutions to what the two of you face. Both Alexis and I know what you mean to Richard. He may be lost right now, but that meaning will always be in his heart even though his failure with you is devastating his mind. I am not going to ask you how you feel about Richard, or what you want and need from him. But most assuredly that is something that you are going to have to face when we get there."

With that having been said, the last miles to the house were spent in virtual silence. Alexis leaning against her grandmother's shoulder, Kate looking lost in the clouds that were floating in the wind, clutching the book to her chest.

As Vincent pulled off the LIE and took the side road that ran along the ocean, Kate began to marvel at the gorgeous homes that passed by her window. Some small, some large, some unbelievably monstrous. As the car turned through the gates of the Castle home, panic started to overwhelm her. _My God, what am I going to do? What is he going to think? Will he even let me in? _

The house fit the name. A stone molded carriage house was just inside the main gate to the right. Sitting back in the trees toward the sea dunes was a like structured guest house. Directly in front of them was a dwelling that could pass for a small royal English castle of days gone by. It was modern construction that created an ancient look. Stone was definitely the building material of choice. The front archway covered the entrance to the massive wooden doors.

As Vincent steered along the circular driveway, he finally stopped at the front entrance. As they started to exit the car, Kate's panic became full blown, "Martha, what am I supposed to do?"

"Be the woman that he knows you are."

As Vincent opened the trunk in unload the luggage, Martha and Alexis led the way to the front door. Finding it locked, Alexis used her key to let them in. Kate was almost cowering behind Martha and Alexis as they entered the foyer of the house. Twenty foot high beamed ceilings provided a canopy from the foyer down a long hallway that opened up a breathtaking view of the ocean through cut glass windows. Sitting rooms, a library, a study and a dining room lined the hallway. The doors to the back patio were also made of cut glass, making the view unobstructed.

Alexis immediately began calling out, "Dad, Dad. Where are you?"

The door of the study soon opened. Had it not been for the deeply tanned skin from the summer sun, there was little doubt that each of them would have grabbed their cell phones and dialed 911. Kate's heart almost stopped. He looked like he had lost more than forty pounds. His clothes just seemed to be draped on his body as if he were a human clothes hanger. Those beautiful blue eyes were so sunken in their sockets that they were almost invisible.

"Daddy", Alexis exclaimed as she ran to him.

In a gravely voice that almost seemed like a loud whisper he replied "Pumpkin, oh my God it is so great to see you."

Alexis jumped into his arms and he hugged her so tightly that if he had had is normal strength he would have probably crushed her. He showered the top of her head with kisses, and it looked as if he might never let her go. "I have missed you so much this summer, you will never know. And now you are here. Thank you for coming out, and not waiting for me to come home next week."

Rick's eyes moved to Martha. He could see the sadness and disappointment in her eyes. He finally let go of Alexis to moved toward her. Wrapping his arms around her he uttered, "Mother, I have missed you all so much, thanks for coming out here."

Martha replied softly, "Richard you will never know how much we missed you, and how we wished we could have been with you these last months."

_And then he looked at me_. All Kate could barely force herself to say was "Hey".

It was not necessarily a surprised look on his face, more like a bewilderment, "Hello, Kate. You look as beautiful as ever. It's wonderful that you could come with Mother and Alexis. In other circumstances it would make it feel like old times. Welcome to our home. Whatever is ours, is yours."

"How did you all get here?", he asked.

"Vincent brought us," Alexis said, "He's bringing in the luggage."

"So you are going to stay?", Rick asked.

He could almost see the restraint that his mother was demonstrating as she replied, "Yes, we thought that we would help you close up the place before you returned to the city."... And then here came the motherly judgment... "It certainly looks like it is none to soon that you are leaving this place. What have you allowed yourself to become?"

"I'm sorry, mother, let's not go their right now. Let me fix you all something, we'll have a seaside brunch." All words that would normally be filled with joy and anticipation, seemed to be delivered with the same tone of resignation that he had used on the phone with Kate.

As he left them in the hallway to move to the kitchen, the three of them looked at one another in sort of a daze. This is not what was expected. Maybe the all knowing mother could have predicted this, but Kate was, for all intents and purposes, a useless piece of flesh and bones without a clue as to what to do. They could hear the refrigerator opening and the pantry doors being opened and closed, but there were not his usual words of 'What does everyone want' coming from the kitchen. He finally reemerged into the hallway looking even more dejected than when we first arrived, if that's at all possible.

"Uh, …...I'm sorry, …...I guess I don't have any food in the house."

It came like a bolt out of the sky, "Richard Rodgers, you may be a grown man, but you are still my son. I will not stand for this!"

If it was even possible, Kate was more stunned than she had ever been. She had never heard Martha call Rick by his true name, and from the look in the wide eyes of Alexis she hadn't either. The tone of the voice was motherly anger meant to elicit immediate behavior change.

Rick's face was awash with resignation. "Mother, I'm sorry. Alexis, sweetheart, I'm sorry."

_Don't you dare say it to me._

"Kate, I'm sorry."

_Dammit! God dammit!_

"Look, why don't you all put a list together of what you would like to have for the next few days and then go up and get settled in, and I'll have Vincent take me to the store."

"Richard you are not going into Montauk looking like that", Martha stated firmly, "Go get cleaned up while we put the list together."

Kate's eyes followed him as he disappeared around the corner and traveled up the staircase to his bedroom. Almost immediately she broke down. She started to shake and to weep violently.

"Kate, you cannot do that" the motherly voice proclaimed, not in anger, but as a directive. "He cannot perceive that he has failed again in your eyes."

Kate quickly rose and headed toward the doors to the patio. As she threw them open she could feel the heat of the day, the salty mist of the sea and the breeze floating down the shore line. She walked over the dunes and down to the surf. She shed her sandals from her feet and rolled up the pant legs of her jeans. It had been such a long time since she had experienced strolling through the surf. The salty tears that were running down her cheeks began to mix with the sea spray. _What do I do? What do I say to him? All of the things from the book, all of the things that Martha had shared, why were they not clearer to me? I had some sense that he didn't do things he reportedly did in the past. I know that he did something, but I didn't know that it hurt him as much as it hurt me. It was Castle, what should I expect? Perhaps I should have thought about him as Rick and not Castle. Maybe then I could have understood how he thought he was failing. Castle is the persona, a name selected to enhance his work. Rick is the man, full of wonderment and love. He would never knowingly hurt me; I would never knowingly hurt him. I know that, but right now he does __not._

As she turned back toward the direction of the house, she realized that moving with the wind, she had walked farther then she thought. The breeze now blowing into her caused her to make her steps more purposeful. Walking into the sun forced her to squint her eye lids more tightly so that she could see properly. As she got closer to where she would head back to the dunes a shiny object was reflecting the sun's rays right into her eyes. As she neared the object she bent down to pick it up. She brushed away the fine particles of sand to discover that it was an i Phone. Turning it over she saw the owner's name engraved on the leather cover, Richard E. Castle. Even though it was just yesterday that he had been talking to her on this phone, she felt sure that it was likely ruined. Kate pushed the ON button to see for sure. The screen dimly lit up to reveal the last message, _Caller ID: KB_ _The transmission has been terminated by the caller._ …..._Dammit, I didn't hang up on you. I didn't. I swear I didn't._ She sank to her knees screaming at the phone.

The tears were now flooding down her face, the words of Martha sifting through her brain, "Kate, you cannot do that, He cannot perceive that he has failed again in your eyes." _This is not going to end like this. I may be fuckin' blind, and you may be a fuckin' idiot, but it is not going to end like this._

Kate got up from the sand wiping her face with her t-shirt, and brushing the remaining sand from the phone before she slipped it in the pocket of her jeans. She climbed up over the dunes and walked passed the pool to the patio. She washed her face, hands and feet with the outdoor shower, put her sandals back on and reentered the house.

**NEVER AGAIN**

**Chapter Nine**

By this time Rick had already left with Vincent to go to the Farmer's Market in Montauk. Martha and Alexis were about to ascend the stairs to go unpack their things in their rooms. Alexis called to Kate, "Come on, we're going up to unpack. I'll show you which room is yours."

As they reached the top of the staircase they turned to the left so that Alexis could show Kate her grandmother's room. The room fit Martha to a tee, Broadway elegance. The view from her windows provided a spectacular living seascape. Next to Martha's room was Rick's master bedroom. The door was closed, so they chose not to enter. On the other side of the master bedroom was Alexis' room, almost identical in size to Martha's with the same view of the ocean, but decorated to the tastes of a teenage girl. Around the corner from Alexis' room was a fourth bedroom that Alexis said would be for Kate. Their was an identical fifth bedroom on the other side of Martha's room at the other end of the hall. The room was almost as large as Martha's and Alexis', with furnishings that reflected a light colorful atmosphere. From these two corner rooms the windows looked one way toward the ocean and the other way toward the lawn and flower gardens at the front of the house.

They each then retreated to their individual rooms to unpack and freshen up from the trip. For Kate it meant freshening up from her extensive walk on the beach. All five bedrooms had their own private bathrooms, so Kate immediately began washing the tears and sea spray from her face, and discarded her wet jeans in exchange for shorts and another t-shirt. By the time they were all finished, they could hear the arrival of Rick and Vincent.

According to a conversation that Martha had with Vincent, the people at the Farmer's Market had thought that Rick had already gone back to the city. They had not seen him in almost a month. They had purchased so much food and so many supplies that the market packed the groceries into one of their delivery trucks to get it all back to the house. It took all four of them, plus Vincent to separate the purchases and store them in their proper places. Rick told Vincent to grab some china and silverware and take the ladies out to the patio. All of the wine, beer and soft drinks had already been chilled by the market so they would have something ready made to drink. Rick had already put some snacks in serving bowls for them to munch on. Technically, 'brunch time' had passed, so this was to turn into a slightly late lunch. Rick made a huge antipasto salad, sushi, grilled chicken strips, and garlic bread. He placed all of the food onto separate serving platters and placed them on the credenza behind the patio table, so that the five of them would have plenty of room to eat comfortably. Rick sat between Alexis and Martha across the round table were Kate and Vincent.

As they all prepared their individual plates, Martha kept a watchful eye on her son. When they all had returned to the table, she could see that he had a few chicken strips and a piece of bread on his plate. The aroma of the food coupled with the sea air were ever so inviting. Casual conversation centered around Martha's summer stock performances and Alexis' Princeton experience. To Martha it seemed like her son was forcing himself to eat what little food he had on his plate. She had been looking to her right addressing Vincent when she could sense the gagging that was taking place on her left. As she turned, Rick brushed past her with his hand and napkin covering his mouth. "Good Lord" she said as she rose from her seat to go care for him.

"No, Martha" Kate stated. "I'll go."

**NEVER AGAIN**

**Chapter Ten**

There was a bathroom through the kitchen off to the left underneath the staircase. As she approached she could hear the violent retching from within its confines. The door was only slightly ajar, but enough to be able to see that he was on his knees in front of the toilet.

"Rick", she said softly.

"No, Kate please", he pleaded.

"Rick, I'm coming in to make sure that you are alright."

"Kate, please don't. Please..."

As she entered the room she took a washcloth from the towel rack and rinsed it in cold water from the sink. She grabbed one of hand towels, and sat down beside him. She reached up to flush the commode, and to turn his face toward her. Even with the deep tan his face seemed to have paled considerably. Sweat was running down from his forehead and from throughout his chest and underarms. The shirt that he was wearing was almost soaked through with perspiration. She placed the washcloth on the back of his neck, while she pulled a bath towel off the rack to help dry off some of the sweat. She used the hand towel to wipe his brow and his mouth. He began to gag again, but heaving only served to likely make his throat feel raw, as opposed to producing any further vomit. She knelt with him at the toilet so that she could use her hands to support his head during the retching. When the last wave of nausea had passed he collapsed back against the wall of the bathroom. She moved closer to wash his face again.

"Kate, please don't. I'm sorry...

"You say that you are sorry again, I swear to God I will shoot you."

"But...

"No buts. When was the last time you had any real food?"

"I, …...I really can't remember. The more I reflected, the more I wrote, things just started to spiral out of control and I just lost track of the everyday necessities."

"Do you know how scared those two out there are? God dammit, do you know how fuckin' scared I am."

"Kate, I'm...

"Don't you dare."

The sweat had now soaked his clothes almost completely and he was starting to shiver from the clamminess of his body and the chill of his clothing. Kate opened the linen closet of the bathroom and luckily was able to find several terrycloth robes. They must be there for use by people to wrap up in when they come up from the beach. She pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the other side of the room. She unbuttoned his pants and slid them over his hips. The pants were so baggy on him she could have removed them without bothering with the buttons. She felt his boxers to see if they should be removed. She realized that would be awkward for them, but if it had to be done so be it. At present it appeared they could leave the underwear alone. She used the bath towel to dry away the sweat from his chest and back, then helped him into robe. She pulled it tightly around so he could hopefully benefit from its warmth. She turned on the overhead heat lamp that circled the light fixture to provide extra warmth.

"My God, I may shoot you anyway. It's eighty-five degrees outside, and here we are sitting with you wrapped up in a terrycloth robe with the heat lamp on."

"Why would you be scared?", he said.

"What?"

"You said 'don't you know how scared I am?'...well words to that effect."

"Is this going to be it? Are we going to do this right here? Right here in this fuckin' bathroom. Huh?"

"I don't know what you mean?"

Kate stood up and crossed the room to the door. She shut it and locked it. She grabbed another bath towel and put it underneath her bottom as she sat down on the floor beside him.

"Well"

"Well what Kate? I don't know what you are trying to get at. I'll do anything you say...

"Do not give me that shit. You are not my slave. You are not my subordinate in any way."

"Kate, why are you swearing so much?"

"Because I am scared, I am confused and I am angry. _And_ it is just the two of us in here, and we have both heard worse and said worse. _And_ if at sometime we ever have a bedroom together there is likely going to be a lot of things said in there that will be kept from Alexis, your mother and the general public. _AND_ by the way I suppose you know that your mother is a witch."

"My mother is not a bitch, Kate."

"I said witch you idiot. I read your fuckin' book. As it turns out she could have saved me the trouble and the lost sleep because she knew everything that was in it. She knew from the time I showed her your note. That book is a diary of our lives played by two characters you created. You gave it to me to read, so I did. In some ways I can see why Black Pawn may be upset. I can also see why Gina may be over the moon by now. Which reminds me, you're paying that fuckin' bitch over a million dollars a year to leave 'your three women' alone? Hell, give Lanie and I the money and they will never find her body."

"Kate, you're getting a little scattered."

Tears started pouring down her cheeks as she leaned her head back against the wall. In the most tranquil voice she replied, "Rick, I'm sorry and I'm scared, and I don't know how to go about this. It's leaving me to thrash about hoping that I hit on something that seems right. Your mother explained the Gina thing to me and the fact that she did not come to stay in the house with you. She also explained how she is virtually extorting you, but that will be for another time. Both she and Alexis further explained why I had not heard from them all summer. Your witch, that's with a 'w', of a mother also figured you had not talked to any one at the precinct. They also told me how this past winter and spring were one of the happiest times of their lives when we were all living under one roof. They had hoped that it would go on forever. They knew that you felt that you had failed me, and then were virtually forced to watch as I became involved with someone. Then you were lied to, and made to feel that you had to get away from me to allow me to be happy. Does that about size it up?"

"Kate, it was killing me. I could not watch anymore. I was trying so hard to do all of the things that you expected from your 'one and done'. And I failed. I originally thought that I had only failed in the one instance, but it must have been much more than that for you to turn a blind eye to me."

"Rick how do your mother and your daughter know how much you love me? By the way I found your cell phone on the beach. I did not hang up on you. The batteries went dead. Montgomery was pissed that I tore up my work area."

"Kate you are doing it again. What were you saying about the bedroom talk?"

"Shut up, I was getting ahead of myself. How do your mother and your daughter know how much you love me?

"Kate, what do you want me to say? For over a year and a half I have tried to do all of the things I mentioned before. Do you think mother and Alexis are not going to be aware of that? Do you think Lanie, Espisito, Ryan and Montgomery don't know that? Yes, I have from time to time admitted the fact that I loved you to mother and Alexis, but that just gets met with a roll of the eyes, and a 'tell us something we don't already know'."

"Why did you tell them, and not tell me?"

"You made me feel that I wasn't allowed to. That the promulgated reputation created by some marketing department to sell books was in fact reality. Nothing I did was ever good enough to erase that vision of me for you. Kate you didn't have me when you first walked up to me, but you had me the next day. If you believed that the hype is really me and that all I was looking for was a sexual tryst, why would I have spent a year and a half with you? Do you really think that a 'playboy' would spend all of that time on a single conquest, being put in their place by you time after time? That couldn't have been acceptable for someone with that type of ego. And, you can't slough off the time factor as being necessary to complete future storyline development. Hell, I could write a hundred books based on the research I have conducted while working with you."

_Espisito was right. Everybody was right. Except for me._

"Kate, it's getting a little hot in here. Can we turn off the heat lamp?"

As she rose from the floor and moved across the room to the light and lamp switches, Rick could not help but admire her beauty. "Kate, we're not trapped in this room you know, you locked it from the inside. We can go someplace else."

"I know, it's just all I could think of at the time. I thought if I confined us to one place, and no one could interrupt us we could force ourselves to deal with everything."

"I guess I'm not sure what it is that we are supposed to deal with. You are more beautiful today than the day you brought me in for questioning. You're relationship must be doing a great deal for you. It's strange when you asked why I didn't tell you that I loved you, it made me think of the likes and loves of my life. I have been 'in like' twice, and 'in love' twice. I married the 'likes', and I lost the 'loves'; one who sought a different path, and one who sought another. It's not that I don't get to experience love everyday. The first 'like' produced a love that will be with me forever. Assuredly, it is a different kind of love, but it is love all the same. If you are wanting to know if I will be there for you if you ever need anything. The answer is absolutely."

"Kate you have the most expressive face and eyes that I have ever encountered. Throughout our time together I have always been able to read your thoughts just from looking at them. When I told you that 'I would be happy to let you spank me', I saw mischief in your eyes; when I told you 'its because you're tall', I saw an appreciation of the confidence that I had in you; when you told me you wanted me with you when you found the person responsible for your mother's death, I saw your confidence and acceptance of me; when I let you know of my foolish behavior with Ellie, I saw your disappointment in me; when I asked if I could sit in with you and Demming in your interrogation you said to me, 'no, but you can watch if you want'. Although I could not see your eyes, I could envision the expression on your face that exemplified a cruelty that I did not think possible; and then when I asked you to come here with me you could have just said no, but you chose to lie to me to conceal your plans for the weekend. Your passing apology prefaced your saying 'now that Tom and I are together'. All I could see was inconvenience in your eyes. Those words took life from me. Not my mortal life, just life itself. I should have wished you well and left that very moment. I foolishly stayed to finish the case we were working and to try to devise something that would make my departure seem to rest solely as my responsibility. I was the outsider, so I thought that it would better for you if any ill feelings that might arise be directed toward me as opposed to you."

"I know we said that we would see each other in the fall, and I would have sought you out to make sure that you were safe and well. But, I was virtually certain that I could not come back to the precinct. I cannot witness those things anymore. Having you all come here today has made me look at myself through your eyes. When I saw how the three of you were looking at me, I knew that I must have changed. When mother told me to clean up before I went out in public, I looked in the mirror and didn't even recognize the face. I haven't seen another human being in over a month, and very few before that. So looking at myself in the mirror during that time I was so lost that it obviously didn't register with me."

_I cannot stand to see the tears in those beautiful eyes. My God, how deep is this depression?_

"Rick, I'm not in a relationship with Tom. I haven't been since the day you left with Gina. I was going to tell you that when she walked into the squad room. Had I known all of the things that I know now, I would not have misinterpreted your being with her. I still could have said something, but I didn't. To think that I might have been able to prevent this from happening to you is killing me. I may have had some 'puppy loves' as a teenager, and I most likely did 'love' Will, and I probably was developing a 'like' with Tom, but Richard Castle, nee Richard Rodgers, the love that I have for you is scaring me to death and tearing me apart. And in turn, look what we are doing to one another. We are locked in this room by my own doing because it has got to stop. We may die of old age in here, but it has to stop. …..._Never again_ am I going to make you think that you have to leave me. Even though I want to, I cannot spend every minute of every day with you. I know that you would never ask me to, but I would leave the department in an instant if that is what it's going to take for us to get through this. I left my apartment last night to stay in your home and in your bed. No matter where they might be in the future, _never again_ am I going to leave either one. We may have a difficult time getting past a great deal of pain and uncertainty, but we are going to start right now to make the effort."

"Kate, I don't know that I have it in me to make you smile again."

"You see, that's why you're a fuckin' idiot. All you ever had to do was look at me with that twinkle in your eye to put a smile on my face, bring warmth to my heart and send a shiver up my spine. You may feel that may be gone for the moment, but I am positive that WE can bring it back. Rick, you had better start forgetting about this I, ME, and YOU shit, and get used to US and WE. Because that is the only way this is going to work."

"You had all of this planned out when you locked the door?"

"I had nothing planned out. All I knew was that being apart was doing absolutely nothing except causing more pain and suffering, and it has to stop. This is not going to be cured overnight, or next week, or next month, but we are going to be together as we work on it."

"Do I have any say in this matter?"

"Unless it is to say that you're not interested, the answer is probably not."

"Then my answer would be that I am interested."

"You had one shot at that, and you chose properly. I'm proud of you for realizing that another answer would not have been acceptable."

"Kate, I'm sorry for all of the things that have gone wrong and that have stood in our way."

"I'll let you get away with that one because I'm sorry too. Let's just try to move forward. You're going to go upstairs and take a shower and change into some dry clothes. Then we are going to whatever medical clinic or hospital that might be close by and have someone check you over. We are then going to stop in one of the shops in the village and get you some clothes. WE will not be seen out in public with one of US looking like a human coat hanger."

As Kate was about to turn to unlock the door, she said "And by the way, WE are never selling this house, unless WE both go broke and WE have to. Even if that happens, the closing contract must contain the fact that WE retain ownership of this bathroom. Got it?"

"I love you, too. Kate...would you please touch me?"

As Kate helped him to get up from the floor their bodies brushed lightly against one another. One would have thought that the heat lamp had magically snapped back on. Wrapping their arms around each other the tears of pain were being replaced by tears of comfort and the prospect of better times. Kissing can be clumsy or it can be choreographed, lips molded together through love don't care how they got there.

Releasing from their kiss, but maintaining their embrace, Kate whispered softly into his ear, "Rick, there are many things we are going to have to deal with. You caused me pain, even though you didn't mean to. I have obviously devastated you with what you perceive as cruelty. My inability to differentiate between the persona and the person has caused me to set up unnecessary boundaries between us. My duplicitous behavior caused you to be hurt. Something that I would never ever want to have happen. But, I was blind. _Never again_ will I allow any of that to occur. We came into this room separately, but we are leaving it together. I love you with everything in my being, and these last twenty-four hours or so have finally opened my blind eyes to the fact that you have loved and cared for me throughout our time together. I will work my ass off to make sure our lives are full of love and happiness."

His soft voice just seemed to flow into her ear, "I will be happy to work your ass off as well."

After over four months of nothing but tears and sadness, Kate's eyes were still filled with tears, but her face was shining with a glowing smile. "Maybe you aren't such a fuckin' idiot after all."

**NEVER AGAIN**

**Chapter Eleven**

Kate unlocked the bathroom door and they left their room of declaration. She sent Rick toward his bedroom and told him that she would be their shortly, "I have to speak with Alexis and Martha, and then I will be in."

As she passed through the doors to the patio, the heads of Martha and Alexis snapped around to face her. Martha virtually pleaded, "You two were gone for so long, is he alright?"

Kate's face was filled with concern, but also exhibited a sense of serenity and assurance, "No, but if WE work at it, he will be. Rick has gone up to shower and change clothes. When he is ready we are going to go to a local clinic, or hospital so that he can be examined. We have to know what his physical condition is, and receive some guidance as to the proper way to get him healthy again. If that means blood work to check necessary electrolyte levels and such, that is what we will do. We must find out what kinds of food he can tolerate in order to make sure he gets the nourishment that he is in need of. Then we are going to stop at some of the shops in the village to get him some clothes that will properly fit him for now. If it is alright with you all, we may have to stay home this evening, or maybe a few evenings depending on what instructions we get."

Kate continued, "Vincent, could you excuse the three of us for a little while. Martha, Alexis could you join me in my room, please."

Alexis and Martha followed Kate up the staircase and into the bedroom where she had placed her luggage. Their faces revealed their hesitance as they watched Kate gather the clothing and toiletries that she had unpacked earlier. Alexis stammered, "Kate you aren't leaving are you?"

Kate looked into the eyes of his beautiful daughter. "Simply put, _never again_. Alexis, Martha, Rick and I have virtually trashed our lives as a result of our foolishness and insecurities. We have caused one another pain and heartbreak. That is all going to stop, and it's going to stop right now."

"Martha, I am not your daughter, but you have made me feel love and the affection that only a mother can give. Over the last day you have provided guidance that has enlightened me to no end, and has made me realize how deeply I love your son and how our actions have effected the both of us. Alexis, I am not your birth mother and I would never be presumptuous enough to try to replace Meredith, but I love and cherish the relationship that we have built. There are actions that are going to take place that WE need to know whether they meet with your approval, and if not, can we come to some understanding to make them acceptable."

"I am moving out of this room and into OUR bedroom. When we return to the city, I am leaving my apartment and moving into the loft, and into OUR bedroom. _Never again_ are we going to be apart. I know that sounds foolish because of the demands of everyday life such as work, but it is the spirit of never being apart that I am trying to convey. It may possibly take a great deal of time for US to work through what we have done to one another, but we are going to be together as we do it. Where it leads to, we don't know. If in the future it could lead to what we both truly want, marriage and additional children, we need to know if that is acceptable to the two of you."

A verbal response was not forthcoming. The tears were flowing like they had been off and on for well over a day. Kate was virtually smothered by the bodies of Martha and Alexis caressing her at once. It seemed that they stood there in their embrace for hours murmuring their joy and affection.

Martha finally spoke as they disentangled, "Kate, darling, the fact that the two of you have finally made the recognition that the rest of the world has known for a long time has almost virtually wiped away this summer of our discontent. I know it's a paraphrase of another line, but I'm a diva, you'll have to tolerate me sometimes. I know that I am not your mother, but you will never be made to feel that I am not. I will do everything in my power to make the four of us rid ourselves of any pain and heartache, and build a glorious future."

"Kate, I never wanted you to leave last winter" Alexis offered. "I, as well will do whatever it takes to make us a family. Even with what you have said, I can't promise that I won't from time to time call you mom because that is what I have wished for all these many months. The fact that the future may bring a sister or a brother, or both is so exciting that I can't stand the anticipation. The fact that you are going to make Daddy whole after what he has had to suffer all of these years fills me with such joy that I could never explain."

After a few slaps to her face to get her to stop crying, Kate shared her relief. "We thought that you two would support us, but we had to make sure that you could put up with us. It is not going to be smooth sailing, but the love in this room and the love in that shower in there will hopefully get us through. Speaking of which, I had better go check on him. Hopefully, we will only be gone for a couple of hours and we can talk more over dinner, if that's alright."

Martha simply said, "Go to him."

Kate picked up her luggage and carried it to the master bedroom. Again, a sight to behold. The view from the windows was spectacular. The bright sun, the white sand, the blue ocean and the drifting clouds were mesmerizing. The decor of the room was similar in nature to the bedroom in the loft, but the brightness caused by all of the windows gave it a different look. The bathroom may have been even larger than the one in the loft, if that was possible.

As she walked into the room, Rick was exiting the shower.

"Kate, I'm naked", he said as she moved toward the rack to retrieve a towel for him.

"Your point being?" she replied.

"Well, you told me not to look at you when I burst into your apartment and found you naked in the bathtub. So, I didn't." he exclaimed.

As she thoughtfully scanned his entire body, that was still quite inviting despite the weight loss, she handed him the towel and whispered in his ear, "Well, I guess you are a fuckin' idiot after all."

)()()()(

As they were coming down the staircase, Rick offered, "I'll see if Vincent is ready to drive us into the village."

Kate replied, "You have your car here don't you?"

"Yes"

"Well let's just take it in case Alexis and Martha want Vincent to take them somewhere. Where are your keys?"

"They're on the key rack in the kitchen."

Kate went down the hallway to the kitchen and noticed that Martha and Alexis had rejoined Vincent on the patio. She yelled to them that they would be back soon and grabbed the keys from the rack.

"So, where is the garage?" she asked.

"It's through the door off to the right of the kitchen."

They entered the garage to find Rick's notably high powered black Mercedes sedan parked prepared for 'takeoff' facing the garage doors. Rick hit the garage door button, and motioned to Kate with his hand out.

"What?"

"Would you hand me the keys, please?"

"What for?"

"Kate, this is my car, not the squad car. I get to drive."

"Yeah, right" she scoffed.

"And, don't get out of the car until I say that you can." she added.

They stood staring at one another over the roof of the car. In a voice of pure resignation, he said, "I don't have a chance do I?"

"Not as far as I can tell." she replied.

"_Never again_, Kate?"

"_Never again_, luv."


End file.
